So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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