I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
