I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We just shotgunned beers for America
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
