textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
