shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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