Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
