WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
