did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
