Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
