A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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