hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
