Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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