Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
