dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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