I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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