I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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