she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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