I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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