my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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