you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
