Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
