Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My vagina is officially offended.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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