I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
