the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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