I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
