Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
