dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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