My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm at about main and main street
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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