My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
