Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
