we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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