I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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