So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
