Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
