This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
But theres a keg here and me gusta
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
