He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
this hospital has no fireball
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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