Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
is wine microwaveable?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
