When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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