is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
