Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
