bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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