May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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