I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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