u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
