I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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