Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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