I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
