You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
