This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
