when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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