i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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