Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
