the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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