There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
