I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
