so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Im part way to drunk.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
