Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Come share oat with me in your robe
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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