I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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