Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
